I've recently been thinking a lot about the concept of home. I feel like I'm never really there anymore and truthfully I'm not sure I know where it is. Like the title of this blog says "Home is where your rump rests." Well that's all fine and dandy when you're an animated warthog and meerkat in a fictional children's movie but when it comes down to real life, I just don't think it's as simple as that. I moved back "home" to live with my mom and her boyfriend recently and it just isn't the same (granted I can't remember the last time a house actually felt like a home). It's sad really but I feel like I'm in an in between stage and the fact that where my "rump" rests does not feel at all like home has taken my personality swirling down the drain with it.
That being said, I'm very fortunate to have the kind of relationship I have with Mitch where we can openly point out to the other person when something has gone sour. I got the most amazing pep talk from him the other day that became the first step in my determination to get myself back from the depths of "Not So Happily Ever After Land." I will be the first to admit that everything that has happened this year has just sent me over the edge into the realm of givingupness and I didn't even realize it. On the outside it felt like I was fighting so hard to be someone else and get everything back to where it should be, but on the inside I was just empty. I had given up. What you have to understand (for those of you...if you exist...who don't know me on an intimate level) is that I NEVER give up. I have fought for everything I have in life right now against many odds and naysayers so to have given up is quite a large ordeal. It's terrifying that there's a part of me that has succumbed to that because I don't think I've really ever witnessed it before. But I'm BACK! Or at least making a step in the right direction.
I hope that things will pull through soon. I'm anxiously awaiting my acceptance (fingers crossed) into UNLV. School has always been the single most important and drawing thing for me in life. I love it (although just like anyone else I also hate it occasionally). I feed off of academic achievement and feel like a horse chomping at the bit to get back to it. I have never met anyone who understood the relationship I have with school. The only way I can describe it is as my very best friend. School has been the ONLY constant in my life. Through seven moves, two divorces, anxiety, depression, and countless other obstacles, my education has always kept me going. It provides an escape, an excuse, a challenge, and a premade path that no human can provide for me. I realize that it seems like I am high and mighty and expect that school is something I deserve, and I hate that it comes across that way, but how can I explain to people who tell me it's okay to take another semester off when I know that inside I will feel so empty without it. I am so determined to finish and it's one of the few things I really love about myself.
Off to another subject now. It seems like things have just been going downhill for a lot of people lately. So many people I know have experienced significant loss in their lives (and I'm not talking about financial loss) recently. It's really unbelievable. I've learned of three acquaintances dying this week. Awful. I've observed that weeks like this come around once in awhile. I severely dread them.
On an upside, I've begun my training for a 10k this fall, a half marathon in the winter, and hopefully if all goes well the L.A. Marathon next spring! This training is coupled with "Bridal Bootcamp" for my rapidly approaching wedding =]
I'm getting way too tired to even think anymore. I hope Mom and Paul come back from gambling and drinking to freakin relieve me of my babysitting duties soon.
God Bless.
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