Okay so that's not entirely true, I can put my finger on some of it. Today has turned out to be quite the trying day. I see remnants of my old self, the depressed and overly tired self that I worked so hard to get rid of. Hopefully it's just one of those days.
I fought with Mom today, yet again. Seems to be a recurring problem lately. We really don't do well under the same roof. I hate to sit here and watch her spiral down into who knows what. It worries me that I haven't been able to get through to her about how concerned I am for not only herself but for those of us who call her family or a friend. I don't know if anyone besides and Mitch and my aunt have noticed or cares but I hope they have and have the courage to stand up and say something. I don't really know where my mom went, the one I used to be really close with and was strong enough to handle her incredibly stressful life with poise and without the use of tobacco and more alcohol than usual. I want her back.
My aunt said something about how it's not really my problem until it starts affecting me but I think it's too late for that. When she gets lung cancer, or emphysema or liver cancer or some other ailment due to her smoking and drinking, that affects me...and Rhianna. I wish she cared enough to stop, especially when she's tried to get my grandma to stop for like 20 years. If you read this Mom...please stop. It would mean the world to me.
In other news, Rob is being a jerk as always. I really wish there was a way we could get a court order to have him psychologically evaluated. He'd most definitely fail. I hate that until justice rains down upon our family there will not be rest for my mind. He will forever haunt me as my brain racks to find a solution to get Rhianna out of there or to at least get him help so I can be assured that he doesn't treat her the way he treated me.
Mitch is on duty for most of the day today. I miss him terribly but it's probably better he's not here because I'd only be able to complain about my crappy family and how I wish there was something I could do to fix it. I need to get out of here. I hope I prepared him enough when I briefed him of all my issues before I'd allow him to begin dating me. He may have gotten in deeper than he ever would've cared to with my family. I wouldn't ask for them to be normal, just less dramatically insane.
"Did you know how you would move me, did you know well I don't even think so..."
I really really really hope UNLV gets back to me soon. T- minus four days until school starts. I'm starting to get worried and panicky.
My boot camp and running have taken a turn for the worse. I need to get back on track for so many reasons. Saturday I hope. I'd like to think I could muster up the energy and determination to run tonight after work but I don't think that's going to happen.
Wedding planning is starting to get to me already. I wish I had Mom to help.
On the upside, Mitch, Rach, Savannah and I had an excellent day at the beach Tuesday. I'm gonna slightly miss it when I move. Still trying to figure out how I'm going to get the perfect tan for next summer haha.
I need to find a busier job, hopefully I can intern with Tracy at the Club this fall.
That's about it for today. Back to cleaning my room (FINALLY) and the bathroom and then work until ten tonight. Bummer.
So much to do, so little motivation today.
God bless.
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